I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
