Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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