I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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