I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
