i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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