i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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