And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
