he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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