so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
