Your mouth is God's brothel.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
