You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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