Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
