and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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