Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
