You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
