WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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