Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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