Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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