My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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