i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
