I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
