I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
