We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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