YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
