dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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