Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
