He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
