Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
