I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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