In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
