I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
