Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
