Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
