Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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