Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
