nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sext me about skeletons
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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