There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
