I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
