a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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