I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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