Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
