if you like me you must not know who I am
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
