True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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