How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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