dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
