I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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