Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
