So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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