I feel great
I just peed on a car
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
