I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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