i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
